part 11: Past/ F's sister

If I knew anything about Fahad, I know that he won't be home right now, instead he'll go to his favorite place in all of Kuwait which is a secret to everyone, me included. The only way I know it's his favorite place is because I once followed him there when his sister passed away and ended up there.

However, he doesn't know that I followed him, I was too scared to admit it at to him at the time. So I just wanted to see where he's going, making sure he won't get into any problem. Now year after year since then whenever there's something really bad going on his life, and it's only the really bad things, he goes back to his spot. He doesn't know that I know that and when I bring it up in a way of asking him what he did that day, he'll just say he was asleep or something. I feel really bad not telling him that I know. You know the feeling when someone has a secret and you know it and you don't tell them you know it? It's like stepping into their space, I felt a bit rude and disrespectful, you know what I mean? And I still do feel guilty after all these years.

His sister was 5 years older than him and she loved him so much and he loved her even more. He looked up to her, worshiped her, she was his role model.

She died from a car accident on her way to her friend's house. I was at his house that night. She was fifteen and such a happy person, just like Fahad. I remember the last time we saw her very clearly even though we were only nine.

"Sarah, til3ibeen ma3ana?" A ten year old me asked her.

"Aw! Noufiii," She used to always call me Noufi, and I loved it, "wallah, I wish!! Bas I will tomorrow for sure." She winked.

"Laish wain ray7aaaa?" Fahad tried to make it sound like a question but it showed he was sad she wouldn't be playing with us today.

"Wallah Fahoodii," She's the only one that called him that, no one does now, he doesn't like anyone calling him that now, "baroo7 3ind Haya (her best friend), ihya il7een 3al 6ireej yaya min bait 3amatha ta5ithni oo inroo7 baitha."

"Sarah tara ana a7ib haya," Fahad stated.

"Ihya itmooot 3alaik!!" This made the biggest smile ever appear on F's ten year old face, he was so happy his sister's friend liked him.

Her phone rang after that, "Aloo?" She answered, "Intay bara? Kanii yaya?"

"Fahoodii oo Noufii lazim aroo7 il7een bas tadroon mino yi7ibkum akthar min Haya?" We both just stared at her with eager eyes, wanting to know who, "Anaaaaaa! Ana amooooooooooooot 3alaikum, ma tadroon ishkither a7ibkum!" Then she started tickling F and me which made us laugh so hard. F & I gave her a kiss and she kissed us both and hugged us.

"Achoofkum il laila inshallah, don't stay up, okay?" She knew we were going to, kina nistanis 3ala staying up late, acting as though we're adults.

"Okay." We answered innocently.

"Love you both!!" She gave us kisses but Haya honked the horn and she had to go, "Byyye.."

We continued playing until it was time for bed. We stayed up late, later then ever before, waiting for her to come back so we can surprise her by how late we stayed up when we heard the phone ring in the kitchen and a scream. We never got to surprise his sister that night, and after that, we hardly talked about her.

F & I didn't sleep that night, we couldn't. In the morning I heard his footsteps, I left his mother's room where I was sleeping, and tried not to make a sound. He left the house, we weren't supposed to but I guess no one was paying attention. I didn't want anything bad to happen to him, it's a big scary world.

I guess I was really quiet, F didn't hear me at all, he kept on walking and walking and walking. He got to a place, looked at it, then moved his lips, talking to himself. I heard what he said and it broke my heart then and there and I knew at that moment I shouldn't intrude on his space.

This present situation is really different from his sister but I had a feeling, from the way Rawan described him, that he won't be going home. I walked and walked and walked and found him at his spot. Over the years, I found a good hiding place to just hide and make sure he'll be okay. He was laying on his back and just looking at the sky. It was now or never, I knew I have to be brave and finally confront him and then talk about what happened.

It's now or never.